I’m sitting watching this slideshow of my artwork, and artwork that inspires me and all it inspires is great pain.

I watched a video the other day of someone painting a comic page that he’d dreamed of doing his whole life and it going to print immediately, so successful in fact that it was a wrestling comic page recorded being made by the WWE while he told his story.

That’s pretty magical.

All the magic in me, all the life in me, it’s fading quickly.

I’m twenty-six years old and two decades ago I wanted nothing more than for wrestling in full colour to pop off my printed comic pages.

I wanted to draw super heroes ten years later, popping off as well, but also being relatable, lovable, hatable, show off the dirtiest parts of this word, a person’s mind, from the last source you’d expect.

I went all over the far reaches of mind using my imagination, day dreaming, pipe dreaming, then planning, things that couldn’t be further out of my reach because so close, slept not right next to me but right on top of me, sitting on face until I woke up.

…and now those things feel so far, and I am lost, more than lost, I know where I am and it makes me truly sad…I’m past a series of deadlines and I don’t see any of worth coming up…

…I don’t see printed pages or stickers or bookmarks or smiling children, I see anguish, disappointment, not just from inside, but outside, in my lover’s and my mother’s eyes of a man who didn’t amount to anything…

…anything even close to what he’d talked about for so long and they’d really believed year by disappointing year was just around the corner.

It doesn’t matter if 2017 comes, and passes, nor if it’s 2019 or 2026, every time a new chapter ends the story will just become more sad, more disappointing, more uncomfortable to look directly at…

…people start to shift their gaze not just from your face, or your hands, but you as a whole, inside and out…and every time you pass a mirror, or a book that used to really inspire and be a part of you…you do the same thing, eyes watery…

…and move past yourself…

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