i’m in this weird headspace where i don’t want to be “here” anymore, but here isn’t completely physical.

in this place of nice guys finish last and a house isn’t necessarily a home.

things have fallen apart many times and usually there’s this set of steps, straining ones, to fix everything.

but this time, there’s not.

it’s like being lost, all the time, i wake up with nowhere to go, nothing to do, no one to see, even if there’s technically ones there everything feels so superficial, it’s just…moving with the tide.

but i’m drowning.

i no longer feel safe.

i feel like regular things that you take for granted are just slipping away, doing things the right way isn’t enough, i think i’m exceeding expectations and i’m hitting below par.

there’s no victory.

there’s times when no one is home and i literally wander around my house, and i think about going outside and knocking on doors of those i know, waiting for some show of excitement at my presence.
i look for food, i look at old drawings, i think of making new ones, i blog a lot, games…it all feels like filler…fries on the side with no meat.

there is no flow, there is no end in sight, there is dust floating through a heart not pumping…lifeless veins…

…and no bright ending where things might end up being alright again.