and i’ve done all i can, to stand on her steps with my heart in my hands, now i’m starting to see, maybe it’s got nothing to do with me…

a beautiful excerpt from john mayer’s “daughters” haunts me, it leaves me in that cold anxious state where you feel like you’re sweating buckets but no perspiration comes.

it’s a feeling of worthlessness, worse than the usual one, that failure in the one aspect you put all your effort into, i have a few of those, i fail in every one it seems, makes me fear finding new things…they just seem like new opportunities to fail…in reality…they probably are.

i’m in a hole, with a ladder, and every step i take it breaks a little more, it’s worse than just being in a hole, i can accept being somewhere without an escape, it’s just the constant tease of something better on the other side, i fluxuate up and down a bit, but it’s mostly up so i can go down a little deeper, leave a bigger hole in the sand by climbing a little higher before falling.

i really like the song i can’t make you love me covered by tank, it is a strong phrase in a strongly wrote classic, it represents everything in my life, family, art, friends, people who aren’t friends and ofcourse…love.

my life feels wasted, i don’t know if i could have done it better, but sometimes…often actually…my best just isn’t good enough.