i hate that. it happens to me all the time. this feeling of losing to the world, the world’s a harsh mistress though, tough and unforgiving.

i feel like the world is this thing that i’m not a part of but strongly effects me, this ruthless dictator. if i don’t do what it wants, when it wants, i miss out and everyone else moves forward. i don’t even like everyone else…i really wonder what i want from life.

art has even left me temporarily. i just don’t even feel like i’m drawing anything that is working towards something or that i’d want to see or whatever…i don’t know what i want out of life. i think about it all the time though, i even mentioned it twice in this blog already…

i thought this week about where i am going to be in the future, maybe i will be that 29 year old who works at k-mart and hates it but accepts it and has a room mate for eternity. jeffrey brown said he used to live in his old room mate’s place for free with the guy’s wife and kid, that sounds sorta depressing, though it’s okay in that case because it’s jeff brown…

i think a lot about the possibility that i won’t become jeff brown or frank miller or anything even close to that, i think sometimes i’ll just…stop one day. think of it as a pipe dream that’s just an eternity away and enjoy comics from afar, or give up on them completely because they’ll probably then upset me more than entertain me.

there’s this quote i love from the left bank gang by jason (you’d think i only knew 5 comic artists) that says basically that a comic creator has no choice in the matter. it’s not sports or being a lawyer or doctor, they’ll never escape it. it’s all consuming. they grew up with it in some way and now they will draw tiny boxes, think about brush sizes, etc until they’re blind and mostly insane. i reached that point a while ago but when you have no income and everyone sorta thinks you’re this lazy slacker loser (not everyone, that everyone that you reference when you say i hate everyone) it’s just…a little more than disheartening.

you know what depresses me the most? in the last blog i mentioned that i have all these different people i’ve been, blah blah blah. but i remember a very similar blog (more of a rant that somehow turned into wrestling talk on myspace) from grade 10, grade 10 was like…4 or 5 years ago…the only thing i have in common with that guy is being less than pleased with life. he doesn’t even have the same name…back then it was always dylan, never dyl.

i guess that’s a lot of disheartening commentary about my life, but what else would you expect from the title? i’m okay with it though, this blog for the time being is my little secret and i’m okay if people know this is how i feel, i’m not a secretive guy when it comes to this stuff…why bother and let it be a surprise to them? i only hide it automatically (when i just hide it in social situations to avoid awkwardness) and that’s never on purpose, it just happens…well i guess that’s it.